These are some of the poems from my book, the first part is about Alf and Mabel my elderly Yorkshire couple , the second half is a mixture of other poems of humour.This is the link to Amazon where my book can be ordered.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tales-Mabel-Other-Humorous-Poems/dp/1413793363/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1308936641&sr=1-1


THIS IS THE FIRST POEM THAT I WROTE ABOUT MY YORKSHIRE COUPLE 


ALF'S NEW TEETH


'By gum Mabel, that was a nice bit o' beef

It was so blooming tender I didn't need me teeth.'

The teeth he referred to were in a glass on the shelf

He had paid to go private, they were not National Health


But endeavouring to wear them made his poor gums so sore

He had persevered much but couldn't take any more

Alf gave his wife Mabel a wide gummy grin

His mouth was so sunken, his nose touched his chin.


'Come on,' Mabel said as she picked up her purse

'We're seeing that dentist and hygienic nurse

I'm fed up of seeing you look such a sight

If the grandchildren saw you, you'd give them a fright.'


So Alf sat once again the the dentist's chair

Said, 'you'll have to do something, they hurt everywhere.'

The dentist examined Alf's gums, Oh so red.

He mumble a bit, 'just a moment' he said.


He opened a drawer and rummaged about

Then proceeded to bring another set out

'I'm ever so sorry but those teeth are not yours

Just let me put these in, I'll not hurt your sores.'


Alf quickly jumped up and cried,'Eh these teeth feel grand.'

and he joyfully shook that dumb dentist's hand,

He excitedly shouted to Mabel his wife

'My teeth never felt better in all of my life.'


So later that night with his meal on the table

'I'm ever so grateful' Alf said to hid Mabel.

Then said 'by gum love,' as he lay down his fork.

T'was a little bit chewy, but a grand bit o' Pork!


 MABELS PREPERATIONS

 

Mabel said no time for that, as she pushed Alf away

I’ve got a lot of work to do; I’ve no time to play

There’s piles of washing to be done, the bathroom tiles to clean

The kitchen floor needs washing and I’ve to vacuum in between

 

Your sisters here tomorrow, and I still have to bake

Currant teacakes, loaves of bread, and a chocolate cake to make

There’s all the shopping to be done and then the ironing too

There are so very many things that I have yet to do

 

As for you Alf, get outside and give the lawn a mow

All those weeds in’t flowerbeds are starting now to show

The car needs cleaning and the tyres could do with pumping up

And just look what that dogs been doing, he’s such a mucky pup

 

If you take the curtains down, I’ll just give them a rinse

I did them all at Christmas, but I haven’t washed them since

And oh! There’s still the bed to change I must get out the quilt

And put those flowers in water please, before they start to wilt

 

Righty ho lass Alfie sighed, I can see you’re very busy

For the life of me I can’t think why, you get in such a tizzy

I only put the record on for us to have a dance

So I’ll just turn off the music, now I know that there’s no chance.

 

I’d thought that we could practice before next week we go

To that little tea dance, I just wanted us to show

That we could still perform well, though our style is set

I’d like to show them young’ens that we’re not past it yet

 

Oh, come here Alf, Mable laughed, and just roll back that rug

I’ve time before your sister comes let’s do a jitterbug


============


ODD SOCKS

 

‘Oh dear,’ said Mabel one wash day to Alf

‘I’m afraid that I’ve done it again

I’m not sure how it happens you know

But I find it all rather a pain.

 

I get all the washing together

And into wash loads sort it out

And then when its done its out on the line

Each wash day without any doubt

 

When dry I iron it all neatly

Then as I start to put it away

Why Alf I’m  afraid that each time I do

I’m always filled with dismay.’

 

‘Why lass, what’s up?’ said Alf

‘There’s nowt wrong that I can see

eh ! Why are  you looking so flustered?

Lets have a nice cup of tea,’

 

‘Oh Alf said Mabel  ‘I just don’t know

To me it’s a big mystery.

There are always odd socks left over

Where there should be four, there are three!’

 

‘I know lass,’ said Alf, ‘ why in my top drawer

I’ve loads of odd socks, but don’t fret’

I’ve still got plenty of good pairs in there

 I’ll not have to go sockless yet!’

 

‘That’s all very well,’ said Mabel

But really what I’d like to know

Is can you tell me, I wish that you could

Where on earth do the odd ones go?’


============

 

ALF TRYS SUDOKU

'
'By Gum lass, Alf said to wife Mabel,  'I'm beat
This puzzle I'm doing today
It's fair got me fair stumped and I'm getting real mad
I've tried it in every which way.'

'What are you on about ?' Mabel then said.
 'I'm trying to write out my list
for the shopping were doing at Tesco's this morn
And there might be some things that I've missed.

'It's these rows of numbers with boxes, look see
that have numbers from one up to nine
They have to fit in and not be repeated
That last one I did it was fine.

But I cant get these numbers to tally at all
I think they have printed it wrong.
Mabel put down her pen and went over to Alf
To see why he was making a song.
'Look here,' said Alf as he scratched his head
'There's summat wrong here I can see.
'What is it called Alf, I've not seen this before?''
'It's a book of Sudoku, that Bert bought for me.’

'Give it to me and let me have a look.
And Alf please don't say a word.
I'll read the instructions to fathom it out
such a fuss I never have heard!

Whilst you're waiting please take out the trash
and the washing up's still to be done
I think that I might like this sudoku lark
No wonder you find it such fun.'

So Alf muttering low so that she couldn't hear
Said,  'I bet that she'll find it futile.
Too hard for Mabel, I'm sure she'll give up
And be back to her list in a while!

'Have you finished yet Mabel?' Alf grumbled.
'You've been thirty minutes at that
I knew that you wouldn't do it my love!'
Mabel looked up from where she sat.

'Why Alf,' she said, 'I did yours straight away
I'm now on the third one you see
I don't find them difficult at all Alf.
In fact they’re quite easy to me.

                                                          And when we go out for our shopping
                                                               That's when my list I have done                                                                                                                     
                                                            I'm going to buy me a sudoku book
                                                                   It's ages since I had such fun!!



 

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